I approach this topic with some reservations. As a Christian who has gone through divorce, I feel like I failed a test. Whether that test was one that was administered by God or man (or woman, if you want to be semantically correct), I don’t know. I would like to explore this topic, dating, a bit and I would appreciate any feedback that you might have on this subject, whether you are married or not. I will lay out what I see as the “musts” from a Christian perspective and then what I see are some of the problems with “dating” as a Christian.
Who should a Christian date?
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (II Corinthians 6:14)
This is a primary requirement that any Christian who is contemplating entering into a relationship with another person to which a Christian should adhere. We have all heard it at least once if not several dozen times. If we “date” someone then, as a Christian, they should be a Christian as well. I would like to add a caveat to this maxim: they should be a committed Christian. That is to say, that they should not just “talk the talk,” but also, “walk the walk.”
There are many instances where a “Christian” will give lip service to faith to be acceptable to a potential partner. We have all seen cases where a person suddenly begins attending church because someone in whom they have an interest also attends church. That is not to say that person is not a Christian, they may be, but if they are basing their participation in a church on who else is there, are they really doing so out of a personal relationship with God, or are they doing it for a personal relationship with a person. This brings up another foible: if we tell a person we will not date them because they are not a Christian and they become a Christian, how do we know that they are truly a Christian? It is for these reasons that I have added that caveat of a committed Christian.
A couple will not “succeed” unless there is a third party in the relationship: Jesus Christ. The primary reason for “dating” should be aiming for a marriage relationship. One of the aspects of marriage from the Christian perspective is the passage: “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mark 10:9) For God to join a couple together, He would have to be a part of the relationship. This means that there should be evidence of the couple’s commitment to Christ. They should readily enter into worship and service for the Lord both together and separately.
A second reason that God should be at the center of any relationship is an essential element for any successful relationship: Love. “God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” (I John 4:16b) We know what true love is because of God’s demonstration of love for us. Additionally, husbands are given the command to love their wives: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” (Ephesians 5:25) It is interesting to note that husbands are commanded to love their wives, but there is no admonition to wives to love their husbands. Perhaps that is because God knows that when a man demonstrates a true love for his wife she will respond in kind. Maybe it is because men are not naturally demonstrative of their feelings that God included this passage to encourage men to show their love to their wives. Regardless, if God is not in the hearts of a couple then there may not be a true, lasting love in the relationship. It is God that knits together the hearts of a couple.
How far is too far?
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. (I Corinthians 6:18)
Sex is a natural part of a MARRIAGE relationship; it should not be a part of a Christian’s relationships outside of marriage. Yes, it is something with which men and women struggle when dating. I can attest that even as I am writing this that Satan is whispering, “hypocrite” in my ear. I have heard many of the modern arguments and justifications for including sex as part of an unmarried relationship: compatibility, natural, old-fashioned, backward, societal norms, sexual repression, etc. They all sum up to one thing: “what I want is more important than what my faith calls me to do.”
Sex is a beautiful act that God reserved for a relationship between a husband and wife. Sexual relations deepen the bonds between the husband and wife and causes the couple to be more committed to one another. You might argue that is why it would be good even before a marriage. However, marriage is a commitment, a covenant under which a man and woman are blessed by God. Without that covenant, sex can cause damage to the attitudes and long term well-being of the couple. It also cheapens the value of future relations that they might have. It introduces an element of doubt to the psyche that perhaps a partner might not keep their vows within a marriage. After all, if my partner was willing to sin before marriage are they less likely to commit similar sins even after we are married?
When dating, Christians should have a discussion about this subject. Of course this discussion would ideally take place fairly early in a relationship, but when dating the Christian must set boundaries of what is too much. That raises questions about what is acceptable behavior. I have known “Christians” who took the position that line was at intercourse, but I would submit that is well over proper boundaries. Like lines on the road, boundaries are to keep people safe. I think that the Holy Spirit will naturally give us pause if we listen, but it is better to know what those boundaries are before we ever get there in the heat of the moment when we are less likely to listen.
What does a dating relationship mean?
With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesian 4:2-3)
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Genesis 2:18) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: (Hebrews 10:24)
These passages reflect for me what a good relationship would properly reflect: being unified in the Spirit, complementing one another, encouraging one another in service to the Lord. The first is being in agreement with one another about what God would have you do together. A couple should naturally seek to serve God separately, but they should also seek opportunities to serve Him together. I like that the first verse includes a provision for patience as that is needed when coming to know one another. It is easy to dismiss a potential partner because of a minor difference. Potential partners should approach one another openly, seeking to understand if God’s will is for them to be together. There is no being “right” or “wrong” if both know themselves and what they want. There is only if they are “right” or “wrong” for each other.
In Genesis, it is recorded that the reason God created Eve was so that he would not be alone, but have “an help meet.” I like how this was translated in the King James version. The couple meet one another. They are equal partners. They help one another. I find in this passage that a good pairing would allow each partner to gain in the relationship. It is easy sometimes to expect one partner to subordinate their desires to the other. This was not how God designed men and women. An ideal partner would complement the other, lifting one another to be better than what they are alone. It might be that a woman gives the man a greater understanding of how to interact with others, to not be abrasive. It might be that he gives her the confidence to take on projects that she might shy away from due to a lack of confidence. Or she may give him the confidence he needs to take up a ministry position. God has plans for all of us and sometimes he provides someone to help us accomplish those plans.
The last aspect of a good relationship to me is that partners would encourage one another in their service to the Lord. They should “provoke unto love and to good works.” If you are not a better person for being in a couple, then perhaps you are not with the right person. Dating should push us out of our comfort zones and into areas that we may have never considered. That is not to say that we engage in unbiblical activities, but that we would see more areas of outreach. We should also be “nicer” people. When you are reminded of God’s love by the love that you have in your relationship you are more apt to help others and be more genial.
What do you think of my reflection on “dating?” Are my expectations of the dating relationship too great? Do they not go far enough? There are many that think that “dating” should be carefree and have no expectations involved. I might agree for the first two or three dates. But if we are to be serious about God then I think being too carefree about dating might diminish our walk. I am sure there are other things that might be included, but I wanted to limit this to the essentials of what dating should entail. I hope that this post will give you some food for thought and may help someone in their walk with God.
God Bless and keep you.